What to do when your elderly parent refuses care (5 simple ideas)

When your parent is refusing to accept home care, it is easy to feel like you’re the worst person in the world.

You start to wonder if you’re overreacting, or why you just can’t find more hours in the day to look after them yourself.  

So what is the solution? If you are noticing warning signs like unpaid bills piling up, missed appointments or an unkempt appearance, then it’s likely your loved one needs some form of regular home care.  

To help you have healthy and productive conversations about their care, we have a number of tried-and-tested tips for you. Keeping things positive and heartfelt can be tricky when you are met with refusal, so there are a number of different approaches below to try. 

Here are 5 things you can do when an elderly parent or loved one refuses needed care.

1. Listen to the reasons why they are refusing care 

There are many reasons why seniors resist accepting home care. Even though this can be frustrating, it is important for the senior to feel as though their opinions are respected.  

Common reasons why your parent or relative may be refusing care include: 

• Fear of losing independence  
• Feeling like a burden  
• Concerns about having a ‘stranger’ in their home  

If you are in this situation, sit down and ask your parent why they are refusing to accept home help. If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, try this opener: “I notice that every time I bring up the idea of someone coming in to help, you resist it. Why is that?” 

Repeat their reasons back to them during the discussion, so they know you’re listening. Without this reassurance, it will be difficult to move forward in a positive way.  

Then it’s important to give the senior time to process their situation. Some will take longer than others to accept help, so start these discussions early. 

2. Discuss their available home care options  

Once you have talked to your loved one about their concerns, make them feel involved in their care by showing them their options.

Reassure them that you have researched all of their options, and found a care provider that suits their needs.

As you are discussing their options, bring up their most pressing concerns and what services or systems your preferred home care provider has in place to address these. This will reassure your loved one that you really have listened to them and have their best interests at heart. 

Let’s say your loved one is worried about having a ‘stranger’ in their home. In our case, we organise a meeting before the first day of service, so your parent has a chance to get to know their CAREGiver. This makes them feel far more comfortable when their care begins. 

It’s also a good idea to read up in advance how home care works. This will allow you to explain the process clearly, in order to prevent your parent from feeling overwhelmed.

3. Focus on living independently at home

Many seniors refuse care because they see it as a loss of their independence (even if they know deep down that accepting help is in their best interest). But the reality is that home care allows seniors and the elderly to keep living at home for longer.

So focus your discussions on the ways your loved one can continue to live independently and safely in their own home. Perhaps they’re a bit isolated if they can no longer drive, so in that instance you can talk about the perks of transport to social events, appointments and fitness classes.

Rather than dwelling on the negatives of their situation, this tactic allows you to focus on how their lifestyle will be supported by accepting home help.

4. Gently explain your reasons for seeking home help

Again, this tactic is about drawing attention to the solution, rather than the problem. Seniors will feel downtrodden and defensive when discussions continually focus on the things they can no longer do. (E.g. “You’re not steady enough on your feet to keep hanging out the laundry alone.”)

Instead, have an honest conversation about how home care will make life easier for you, as well as your loved one. It could be the case that your parent simply doesn’t realise they’re causing you stress.

Try the following conversation starter: “I would feel so much better if I knew that you had more help; someone to help with the food shopping and be here when I can’t…”

If they fully understand the situation from your point of view, they may be more willing to entertain the idea of change.

5. Enlist help from people who your parent trusts

Sometimes it takes a few nudges to come around to an idea.

If you are having trouble convincing a senior that they need a little help at home, try approaching people who can continue the conversation for you. This could be a family member, friend or trusted healthcare professional.

Remember that seniors want to be treated like adults, and that means it can be hard for them to accept advice from their children, especially if they feel vulnerable when discussing their care needs. In this situation, they may prefer to chat with a friend, GP or aged care professional.

Most home care organisations can arrange a free consultation to meet with a senior to discuss their situation and make recommendations.

For more information, download our Guide for When Seniors Say “No!”

Get even more insights on how to support your ageing parents in this free guide. Highlights include:

What to do once a senior agrees to help (page 11) buse or elaborate fraud schemes targeting Seniors.

How to work out if you’re overreacting (page 4) 

10 signs your parent or relative needs help (page 5) 

Abuse of elders or Seniors takes many different forms with some involving neglect, some involves financial deception, and other involving intimidation or threats against the Senior. Here are 6 most common types of elder abuse:

Physical Abuse

Any non-accidental use of force against an elderly person that results in physical pain, injury, or impairment is classified as physical abuse against Seniors. This kind of abuse includes not only physical assaults such as hitting or shoving the Senior, but also the inappropriate use of drugs, restraints, or confinement against the Senior’s will done by another person.

Emotional or Psychological Abuse

This kind of abuse happens when people speak to or treat elderly people in ways that results in emotional pain or distress for the Senior.

Verbal forms of emotional elder abuse can take the form of:

• Intimidation through yelling or threats
• Humiliation & ridicule
• Habitual blaming or scapegoating

Nonverbal psychological elder abuse include:

• Ignoring the Senior
• Isolating the Senior from friends or activities
• Terrorising or menacing the Senior

Sexual Abuse

Any sexual contact with a Senior without the Senior’s consent is categorised under sexual elder abuse. This can involve physical sex acts, but activities such as showing a Senior pornographic material, forcing him or her to watch sex acts, or forcing them to undress without their consent are also considered sexual elder abuse.

Neglect or Abandonment by Caregivers

This particular type of elder abuse constitutes more than half of all reported cases of elder abuse. It can be intentional or unintentional, based on factors such as ignorance or denial that a Senior needs as much care as he or she does.

Financial Exploitation

This involves unauthorized use of a Senior’s funds or property, either by a caregiver or an outside scam artist.

An unscrupulous caregiver might:

• Misuse a Senior’s personal checks, credit cards, or accounts
• Steal cash, income checks, or household goods
• Forge the Senior’s signature
• Engage in identity theft

Typical financial scams or fraud that target elders include:

• Announcements of a “prize” that the elderly person has won but must pay money to claim
• Fake charities
• Investment fraud

Healthcare Fraud & Abuse

This is often carried out by unethical doctors, nurses, hospital personnel, and other professional care providers. Some examples of this kind of abuse include:

• Not providing healthcare, but charging for it
• Overcharging or double-billing for medical care or services
• Getting kickbacks for referrals to other providers or for prescribing certain drugs
• Overmedicating or under medicating
• Recommending fraudulent remedies for illnesses or other medical conditions
• Medicaid fraud

Don’t hesitate to contact your local police or http://www.dvrcv.org.au/elder-abuse-hotline if you think someone has conducted elder abuse to your Seniors or might be trying to do so.

If you want to know more on how we support seniors, so that they can stay safely in the comfort of their own homes for longer, contact us at your local Dovida office.